


Doubt, Trust and an Awkward Love

by Opalynne



Series: Of Serendipity and All that Follows [2]
Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Allen too, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, First Kiss, Kanda is an idiot, M/M, Marie is a good big brother
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-14
Updated: 2012-09-14
Packaged: 2017-11-14 06:08:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/512138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Opalynne/pseuds/Opalynne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The only thing more problematic than falling in love with your best friend is falling in love with your best friend who has anger issues and shows zero interest in either sex.<br/>Of course, Allen was used to picking the short straw in life, so why should he expect to catch a break now?<br/>Or,<br/>In which Kanda denies he is in denial, and Allen can't help making things harder for himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Doubt, Trust and an Awkward Love

Sitting outside in the warm sunny weather, Allen Walker mused that it was a perfect day for enjoying the crepes on the plate in front of him. They were the perfect consistency, and well worth the time it took to travel to this secluded bakery. The atmosphere was relaxed, yet he found himself unable to fully enjoy it. He glanced around at the other tables and surrounding area, checked the time on his phone, and then let out a little sigh. There really wasn’t any reason for him to be anxious, but despite the number of times he and Kanda had met up with each other, he still occasionally found it hard to quell the worry that the older male would finally decide to ignore Allen’s invitations to meet.

He took a sip of his tea to suppress the urge to check the time again. He was just setting the cup back down when he spotted the familiar head of long raven hair heading toward his table, effortlessly sidestepping the busy sidewalk traffic as he did so. Allen smiled and sat up a little straighter as he waited for the Japanese man to reach him.

“You’re late, Bakanda,” he said cheekily, using his new favorite nickname for the man.

Kanda’s eye twitched. Surely he regretted the day he had explained to Allen what the word ‘baka’ meant. “Shut up Moyashi,” he growled as he sat down, retaliating to the name-calling with his own. “If you hadn’t picked this shitty bakery to meet at, then maybe I would have been here sooner.”

Allen pouted. “Hey, Rouvelier’s Bakery is the best one in town.”

“But the man himself is a total asshole,” Kanda retorted. Allen shrugged.

“True, but his nephew Link isn’t so bad.” Kanda made a dismissive noise then turned his attention to the crowds around them. With a sinking feeling that he already knew the answer, Allen asked, “How did that job interview go?”

Confirming his suspicions, Kanda stiffened and a heavy scowl settled on his face. He obviously would rather have let the subject drop, but he knew by now that Allen would see through that and get the answer out of him one way or another. It was grudgingly that Kanda said, “I’m definitely not being considered anymore.”

“Why’s that?”

  
“I got into a bit of a shouting match with one of the other applicants.”

Allen winced, making Kanda’s obviously dour mood worsen. “That doesn’t mean you don’t have a shot anymore, though,” he said, trying to give Kanda some hope.

“The management threw me out.” Kanda deadpanned, picking up a stray napkin and distractedly beginning to rip it apart. “I’m pretty sure I don’t have a chance.”

“Oh.” Allen said, knowing better than to show too much sympathy. Kanda had some sort of extreme aversion to receiving pity. It was something that he’d picked up on the first night that they had met.

Kanda sank into a distant silence, keeping his head down as he ripped the napkin into progressively smaller pieces.

Allen felt his chest twinge. In the almost half year that Allen had known him, Kanda had been trying to keep a steady job so that he could save up enough money to move out of his foster father’s house. Due to a combination of simple bad luck and his extremely abrasive personality, he hadn’t been able to manage his goal. Allen had only met Kanda’s family a few times at art events he’d been invited to and didn’t fully understand his friend’s resentment of them, but he could at least acknowledge that being around them stressed Kanda a great deal. Back when they had first met, Allen had offered repeatedly to help him get a job, but Kanda rebuffed his every attempt until Allen stopped offering altogether.

Still, he hated seeing Kanda so down. Plastering a bright expression on his face, he said, “Hey, I have class tonight, but why don’t you come over to my place afterward? I’ll make you some soba.”

Kanda looked up with a snort. “I hope you make it better than you did last time.”

“Hey, it wasn’t that bad,” Allen protested.

“I bet that a blindfolded monkey could do a better job.”

“You still ate it though, so what does that say about you?”

As they settled into familiar playful mockery, Allen saw some of the tension that was weighing heavily in Kanda’s demeanor recede. He allowed himself a small smile before throwing himself back into their half-argument, half-conversation.

People had often mistaken their bantering as actual arguing, and while they did argue more frequently than most friends probably did, both of them knew that there was never any ill intent behind their harsh words. Allen actually found an odd joy in the constant verbal sparring between the two of them, and he suspected Kanda felt the same. When he was with his taciturn friend, his customary polite demeanor somehow melted away, giving him a feeling of liberation that he didn’t experience with anyone else.

During a lull in the conversation, Kanda got up to get himself some tea and as he walked away, Allen couldn’t help but admire the inky line of hair that reached down the taller man’s back. He still found it slightly ironic that such a gruff person could have such a graceful appearance. There had been several times that people had mistaken Kanda for a woman (an event which usually took years off of the poor offender’s lives) but Allen could hardly blame them for making such a mistake. Kanda moved with a fluidity that captivated the eye, and Allen was not immune to the desire to simply watch him.

He was well aware that such thoughts were straying from the path of strictly friendship, but he had recently come to the seemingly inevitable conclusion that he had a crush on Kanda. He wasn’t overdramatic enough to (mentally, at least) proclaim that he was in love, but that didn’t stop him from occasionally worrying that it could happen one day.

  
Allen had developed a theory that he had the unfortunate tendency of falling for anyone he got close with emotionally. He distinctly remembered the time period in which he had been hopelessly smitten with his friend Lenalee and the only thing stopping him from asking her out was his fear of her overprotective brother Komui’s retaliation.

When he had initially realized his feelings for Kanda, he had tried to clandestinely figure out what the man’s sexual preferences were, but the man had been oblivious to his efforts. That failing, he thought he’d be luckier if he tried more direct methods, but Kanda had clammed up and refused to talk about it; he was oddly prudish about such subjects. With all of the interest Kanda showed in either gender, Allen was tempted to think of him as asexual.

Regardless of his own thoughts and suspicions on the matter, Allen had decided to wait out his attraction until it went away. It was what he’d done with Lenalee, and he was fairly certain his hormones would eventually calm down regarding Kanda. While there was no overbearing older sibling to stop his desires this time, Allen still felt that the friendship he had with Kanda was of much greater importance to him than the possibility of a romantic relationship. So he did his best to bury his feelings and enjoy the simple pleasures their current relationship provided—and he was almost always successful in his efforts.

“What’s that look for?”

Allen jumped, not having realized that Kanda had returned to their table.

“What look?” he asked as the taller man set his cup down and reclaimed his seat.

“The one on your face, dipshit, what do you think?” Kanda drawled.

“Watch your language Kanda. There are children present,” Allen chided jokingly. “And I wasn’t aware of having any special look on my face.”

Kanda gave him a brief suspicious scrutiny before muttering dismissively, “Probably thinking about global hunger or some shit. You’re such a bleeding heart.”

“I’d prefer a bleeding heart over that wrinkled husk you’ve got in your chest, Mr. Grinch,” Allen retorted, leaning back smugly in his chair as he awaited Kanda’s retaliation.

“Well if that’s the case, I might as well skip all of this polite bullshit and use Mugen to turn your figurative bleeding heart into a literal one.”

Allen frowned. “I may find it a bit hard to enjoy the rest of our brunch with a sword sticking out of my chest.”

“Oh well. It would give me the excuse not to have to stay at this crappy place.”

“You only say that because you don’t like sweets, so I don’t think you’re in a position to judge. And admit it, you like their tea.”

“Che. It’s passable. Anyway, it’s my turn to choose our next meet up spot, and I say we go to Jerry’s.”

“That’s fine with me. He makes some of the best mitarashi dango in town.” Allen’s stomach growled at the thought of his favorite dish.

“Maybe you should ask him for tips on how to make soba that doesn’t taste like it was cooked in dirty dish water.”

“Careful—you might find some flies in tonight’s dinner.” Allen warned with a scowl. Kanda was unimpressed with the threat and took a sip of his tea.

Yes, theirs was a dynamic friendship indeed.

* * *

 

On the way home from his meeting with Allen, Kanda felt the usual lightheartedness that followed their outings dimming slightly. While they talked, he had been absorbed enough to forget about the fiasco the morning’s interview had been. But as he approached the art studio that doubled as the home he shared with Tiedoll and his three foster brothers, it all slowly trickled back to him.

He knew that Allen didn’t fully comprehend exactly why he was so desperate to move away from his foster family, but that was more his fault than Allen’s. Part of the reason was that living in a house full of grown men who he mostly couldn’t tolerate well put a constant dampener on his mood. On top of that, Marie had confided in him recently about his plans to propose to his longtime girlfriend, Miranda. Once he was gone, Kanda would have no one he felt he could talk to in the house.

The less easy to explain reason, however, was the uncomfortable feeling of being a charity case. He could acknowledge that he was grateful to Tiedoll for adopting him and taking him out of the orphanage, but he had always had the impression that the man treated him and his other adoptive sons almost more like favored pets than people. He wanted to provide them with a home, and he cared for them with all of the resources at his disposal, yet he couldn’t be satisfied until they all fit his image of an ideal, loving family. The elderly man had the notion fixed in his head that it was up to him to ‘fix’ what was wrong with Kanda, as though he wouldn’t accept that Kanda was fine just the way he was until he was spouting ridiculous lines about love and fluffy fucking ponies at every turn. The man meant well, but Kanda didn’t appreciate feeling like he was being treated as a bundle of problems that needed fixing. He was an independent individual capable of handling his own issues.

Could he honestly say that was true, though? Before he became friends with Allen, he had been in a near constant bad mood and was generally miserable when he was at home. Ever since the two of them had started meeting to talk and hang out with each other, he had something to look forward to and help propel him through the week. Consequently, he found himself better able to deal with his foster family and his other stresses. The younger man’s presence was a refreshing addition to Kanda’s tedious days. There was also the fact that since Allen effectively lived by himself (he had yet to meet the elusive Cross that was Allen’s legal guardian), he always had a place where he could go when he wanted to get out of Tiedoll’s house. That in and of itself was enough to make him forever grateful to the day he had met Allen. Not that he would ever admit any of this to the Moyashi’s face. Just the thought made him want to shove his sword into his own neck, because he’d likely die of the embarrassment anyway.

Rounding the corner, Tiedoll’s studio came in to sight. As he approached, he silently hoped that he might have the house to himself. It was a rare occurrence, but always welcome. His hopes were dashed though, when he opened the door and nearly ran into Tiedoll and Daisya, who had their hands full moving a large canvas.

“Oh! Kanda,” Tiedoll exclaimed, pausing in his steps once he registered Kanda’s presence. “You’ll never guess the good news! Our Marie just called to tell us that he and Miranda are now engaged! Isn’t that lovely? We’re going out to dinner tonight to celebrate.”

Kanda swallowed the lump that had suddenly appeared in his throat and managed to say evenly, “I already have plans tonight, so you’ll have to go without me.”

Tiedoll’s face dropped and he reprimanded, “Don’t you think you should come to show your support for your brother?”

“I’ll show my support some other time, just not tonight.” Kanda said more firmly, bypassing Tiedoll and Daisya as he made a beeline for the stairs.

“Oooh, did you score a hot date tonight, Kanda?” Daisya taunted with a laugh. “I hate to break it to you, but your hand doesn’t count!”

Kanda spun in place and sent a scorching glare at his foster brother. “One more word and I’ll make it so that you can’t use either of your hands. That way you’ll never get any action again in your life.” He resumed his brisk retreat to his room, distantly hearing Tiedoll chiding Daisya.

Closing his door behind him, Kanda slumped into it and stared at the wall. It wasn’t like he was surprised by the news; he’d been expecting it. There was no question that he was happy for Marie, but he couldn’t deny the fact that at the same time, his feelings were dangerously close to bitterness. Despite having his sight stolen from him in a freak accident, Marie had persevered through his challengers and was now set to live apart from the family he had grown up with. The man had a job, was engaged, and would be moving out to live with his future wife. Yes, he definitely deserved such happiness, but Kanda couldn’t bear to be around it right now.

Without turning his light on, he sat down and began to meditate to pass the time before he could head over to Allen’s apartment. He could search for more job listings later. Right now, he just wanted to forget about his troublesome feelings.

* * *

 

Unfortunately for Kanda, meditation had only been a temporary reprieve from his thoughts. Even sitting with Allen and eating his (admittedly improved) soba wasn’t enough to break him out of his melancholy mood.

Halfway through his meal, he found himself blurting out, “Marie got engaged.”

Allen blinked in surprise, and swallowed his mouthful. “That’s great! He was dating that kinda neurotic woman, if I remember correctly. Her name was Miranda, right?” he asked, pensively tapping his chopsticks against his bottom lip. Kanda nodded, and then lapsed back into silence.

After several moments, both Allen and Kanda opened their mouths to speak at once. When Allen gestured for him to go first, Kanda’s mind caught up with his mouth and he shook his head. “No, it was a stupid question. Forget it. You go.”

Allen raised an eyebrow. “Now you know there’s no way I can forget about it now. Come on and ask away. If my old English teacher was to be believed, there’s no such thing as a stupid question.”

Kanda scoffed but couldn’t quite make a snappy comeback. “I was just going to ask if you could picture yourself getting married.” Since his question had shocked Allen into silence, he added, as much out of curiosity as to fill the silence, “Or at least someone you could imagine being with?”

Allen’s large silver eyes widened dramatically as his face flushed slightly red. “Wha—no, I, no not really,” he stuttered, looking away as if trying to hide his reaction. The Moyashi was more uncomfortable about the subject than he was, it seemed, Kanda reflected.

“Not really?” Kanda mimed, eyeing him closely. He was finding his friend’s reaction amusing enough to make up for his embarrassment at having asked.

“No, I don’t. Why do you ask?” Allen coughed, regaining his composure.

Kanda shrugged. He wasn’t exactly sure why he’d asked, but all of a sudden he had wanted to know. At the very least, it helped keep him from dwelling on his feelings about Marie’s engagement. “Probably because I have weddings on my mind, why else would I ask, Moyashi?”

“It’s Allen,” the white-haired man corrected automatically. “Anyway, what are you going to do if Marie asks you to be the best man?”

Kanda made a face. “Then I hope Marie will be satisfied with a boring as shit stag party.”

Allen burst out laughing and Kanda felt himself grinning along with him. “I’d love to see that!” he gasped, wiping a tear from his eye. “You’d probably take them to a soba stand and then forget about them.”

“That sounds more like something you’d do,” Kanda pointed out. “You have to admit, you have an almost indecent relationship with food. I wouldn’t be surprised if you called me tomorrow to swear that you were in love with a plate of mitarashi dango.” The thought made him wickedly amused and caused Allen to pout.

“Hey, I’m not that bad.” The pout morphed into a grin. “It’d take at least two plates for me to even consider putting a ring on it.”

Allen approached The Black Order Club and Bar while pondering the irony that he hated alcohol yet worked in a bar. Growing up with Cross had given him ample opportunity to learn how to mix drinks due to his former guardian’s fondness for them, so he figured that he might as well put that skill to use. There were bills to pay and Cross had ever so generously allowed Allen to be in charge of all of them aside from the rent. He’d spouted some crap about how the responsibility would be good for him, but Allen had seen right through that excuse; the man simply couldn’t be bothered to deal with the bills himself. If the rent wasn’t set up to be an automated payment, then he would probably have to pay that as well. On top of that, it had been around nine months since he’d even spoken with Cross. He would be more worried about that if the man hadn’t sent him a package about two months ago containing several crates of expensive wine with a note ordering him to keep them safe until he returned. Such a gesture was the man’s unconventional way of giving Allen reassurance that he was fine and that there was no cause to worry. Of course, he had left no way for Allen to get in contact with him, so it was all he had to go on.

Sighing, Allen figured that he was better off not thinking about it too much, and turned his mind back to work. He had only been an employee of The Black Order for a few days now, having received an offer from its owner, Komui, to work for him. The slightly eccentric man had recently expanded his business, resulting in him having a need for additional bartenders. That need, coupled with his desire to hire someone he trusted not to make any moves on his precious little sister, had led to Allen being his perfect candidate. He had yet to inform Kanda about any of this, however. It had been his intention to tell him that morning, but he hadn’t been able to make himself speak of getting a new job when the Japanese man was so down about his own lack of success in the field.

On the bright side, Kanda had seemed to enjoy himself enough to loosen up during last night’s dinner. Allen took a certain amount of pride that such a private individual like Kanda was willing to come to him when he obviously wasn’t feeling his best. He suspected that his restraint in showing blatant sympathy around Kanda was what had emboldened him to begin seeking Allen out in the first place. It was a tricky balance, keeping his natural tendency to want to help other people from smothering Kanda, but he managed it.

When he entered the bar, he was so lost in his own thoughts that he walked right past Lenalee as she greeted him from the table she was wiping clean. A sudden wet pressure collided with his neck, making him yelp and scramble to remove the sodden rag with a mixture of distaste and confusion. Turning around, he saw Lenalee with her hands planted on her hips and a wry expression on her face.

“So that’s what it takes to get your attention these days?” she mused to herself as she approached to take back the rag she had thrown.

“You could have just called my name, you know. Like most people would,” Allen pointed out, wiping the back of his neck to try and forget the wet sensation.

“I did, but your head was so high in the clouds that you didn’t hear me,” Lenalee explained with exasperated amusement.

“Oh. Sorry about that. I guess I was a little distracted.” Allen gave a little embarrassed laugh and scratched the back of his neck.

“You don’t say.” Lenalee said dryly as she walked past him to drop the rag on the counter. “Komui said your uniform came in today, so you can go to the back and change,” she added, giving him an odd half smile.

“Um, okay. Lenalee? Is there something on my face?” Allen asked, puzzled by her attitude.

“No, it’s nothing like that.” The woman poked him playfully on the arm and leaned closer to him. She lowered her voice as if to confide a secret. “You’ve got a crush on someone, don’t you?”

“What?” Allen yelped, drawing the attention of every person in the building. Blushing, he lowered his voice to match his friend’s. “What gave you that idea?”

Lenalee giggled. “Allen, I’ve known you long enough that I think I can recognize when you like someone. You get all spaced-out and happy all of the time and you have a penchant for plenty of sighing. All of which you’ve been doing in excess these past couple of days. Since I haven’t seen you act this way since high school when you had a thing for that guy in your English class, I’ll bet my boots that I’m right.”

Unable to automatically deny Lenalee’s assertion, Allen found himself saying weakly, “He wasn’t in the class, he was the tutor.”

Lenalee grinned victoriously. “I knew it! So who is it? Have you told them how you feel yet?”

Allen shifted uncomfortably and began edging away. “I should really go get changed.”

“I’ll take it that you haven’t, then,” Lenalee concluded, following him to the back and ignoring his attempts to escape the conversation.

“I really have to change, could I have some privacy?” Allen asked, taking a more direct approach.

“Okay, I’ll turn around,” Lenalee asserted, shutting the door and facing it. Allen sighed, realizing that he was likely not going to be able to deter Lenalee from the topic.

“No, I haven’t told him,” he admitted aloud as he picked up his uniform and began changing into it.

“So it’s another guy this time?” Lenalee asked, dutifully keeping her eyes averted.  
“Yeah.”

“Why haven’t you?” The question was out of her mouth almost before he’d finished his answer.

Allen hesitated, and then said, “I don’t even know if he’d date another guy, for one. And I don’t want to risk our friendship over something like a little crush.”

Somehow, saying it aloud made his reasons seem flimsy and inadequate, Allen noted uncomfortably.

“Ahah! So you like that guy Kanda!” Lenalee exclaimed, turning around to gauge his reaction. Allen yelped and blushed harshly.

“Lenalee!” he cried, scandalized, “I’m not finished dressing!”

“Oh, you’re such a prude.” Lenalee stated, but she turned back around anyway. “I’m right aren’t I? I mean, he’s the only person you’ve talked to me about, not to mention I had my suspicions from when I ran into you two at the sub shop last week.”

Allen felt like his face was on fire. Either he hadn’t been doing a very good job at hiding his feelings, or women’s intuition was much scarier than he’d ever thought. Even though it seemed as though he would regret it, he confessed, “Yeah, he’s the one.”

“Why haven’t you asked him what his preferences are?” Lenalee continued with the bombardment of questions.

“It’s not like I didn’t try to figure that out, he just…hasn’t seemed interested in either sex,” Allen said with a frown.

“So ask him outright.”

Allen found himself shaking his head even though his companion couldn’t see him. “I can’t just ask someone something like that. It…it feels rude,” he finished lamely. If he was being completely honest with himself, he was afraid of knowing because it was entirely likely that knowing the answer would crush the little speck of hope he harbored.

“You’re way too polite for your own good sometimes, you know?” Lenalee stated sadly, twirling a lock of her shoulder-length hair around her finger.

Allen said nothing as he finished tying the black apron string. “I’d rather let this little attraction run its course and fade away than mess up my friendship with Kanda by bringing it out into the open.” The words that he constantly repeated to himself in his mind came out sounding monotonous. He approached Lenalee and reached around her for the doorknob. She looked up at him, an expression akin to pain etched on her face. Turning fully toward him, she wrapped her arms around him and pressed her face into his shoulder.

“Why do you do this to yourself?” she asked, the question muffled by both his clothing and the low voice in which the woman had spoken. Allen awkwardly put his arms loosely around Lenalee, but could find nothing with which to reply. “In all of the time I’ve known you, you’ve never once gone after anyone you had feelings for,” she accused, her voice clearer now. She looked up and eyed his scar meaningfully. “You keep so many things bottled up because you’re afraid to put your true self out for other people to see, and that keeps you from forming any intimate relationships.”

“What about when I was dating Lou Fa?” Allen interjected, desperately trying to disprove her statement.

Lenalee pulled away and gave him a derisive look. “You and I both know that you only went out with her because it was obvious that the girl totally adored you. Even though the two of you dated for months, your heart was never really in it.” Her scorn softened, but she wasn’t backing down yet. “I’m talking about people you have liked. Do you always have to think things to death and decide that admitting your feelings is too risky? Love is a risky business and sometimes you have to make a leap of faith in the name of it!”

Lenalee’s argument was passionate and almost a seductive one, but the thought of taking such a risk with his feelings left Allen feeling cold. It was true that sometimes he came within moments of throwing caution to the wind and letting Kanda know in no uncertain terms about his feelings. But when faced with the prospect of opening himself up and allowing someone else the chance to strike at him when he was at his most vulnerable, the idea seemed akin to jumping out of an airplane without a parachute. He’d experienced that once already with Mana, and he would never allow it to happen again.

“That kind of advice is great for someone in a movie, but this is reality and I’ll have to live with the consequences of my decision for the rest of my life. If that means not telling Kanda that I like him, then that’s my choice.” Allen ignored the way his words made him feel like he'd just swallowed a rock or two.

Lenalee stiffened, an angry expression marring her pretty face. “I just want to see you happy for a change. But it will never happen if you keep sabotaging yourself.”

With that, she exited the room and stalked away. Allen watched her go and felt a twinge of regret. He hadn’t meant to make little of her efforts to help him, but his truthful answer had done it anyway. He really should have resisted getting drawn into the conversation more than he had.

Deciding to give her some time to cool off before he tried apologizing, he made his way to the bar and saw that Lenalee had already thrown herself back into cleaning the tables with a renewed vigor. His coworker whistled as he approached and jerked a finger towards Lenalee.

“What did you say that got her so worked up?” the tall Portuguese man inquired.

“It’s a long story, Tyki,” Allen said, thinking that he really shouldn’t be feeling guilty when Lenalee was the one who had insisted on talking about the subject in the first place.

“Well I’ve got long ears, so you might as well speak into them.” Tyki made an exaggerated gesture and pulled on his earlobe to lengthen it. Allen chuckled in spite of the downhearted mood his and Lenalee’s conversation had put him in.

“That doesn’t even make sense,” he said, stepping around Tyki to serve a newly arrived patron. As soon as he was done, several more people appeared, waiting to be served, and Allen soon found himself swept up in the work. It let him bury the discomfort that had arisen due to his conversation with Lenalee, and he gratefully absorbed himself with his job. In fact, he quickly found himself with barely any time to think about anything other than drink combinations.

He glanced at the entrance as a new large group walked in. Groaning, he asked, “Is it always this busy?”

Tyki nodded as he watched a group at a corner table. “It is lately. It’s also when less, shall we say, savory people come in with the crowd.” The man gestured and Allen looked up just in time to see one of the men from the table Tyki had been watching reach out and pinch Lenalee’s butt as she was passing. Angered on behalf of his friend, Allen started to head over to the group. A hand clamped down on his arm and Tyki pulled Allen toward him so that he could rest his own arm around Allen’s shoulders.

“Calm down, Kiddo. The lady can take care of herself.”

Sure enough, Lenalee proved Tyki’s words accurate as she whipped around and slammed her boot down what looked to be mere inches away from the offending man’s crotch and leaned in towards his face to speak. Whatever she said was lost in the din of the room, but it made the man pale and shake his head before meekly scooting closer to his friends. Lenalee walked away looking darkly satisfied, then sent a short heated glance toward Allen before going back to her work. Allen gulped.

“I think she’s still mad at you,” Tyki noted unhelpfully.

“Yeah…” Allen said, and then sent Tyki a suspicious look. “How long exactly do you plan on keeping your arm on me?” he asked pointedly.

Tyki smirked. “Dunno. It just so happens that I like having you as an armrest. You’re at the perfect height.”

“Right…Well it looks like more of the unsavory type just showed up, so we should probably be on the look-out.” Allen wriggled out of the man’s hold, as a group of obviously already drunk people came in through the doors.

Tyki made an exaggeratedly disappointed expression. “If you say so,” he sighed and then responded to a customer’s request for a refill. Allen observed him thoughtfully, unsure what to make of his coworker.

He liked Tyki, but the man’s attitude towards him made him feel slightly uncomfortable. Even after several days to become familiar with his personality, he couldn’t quite tell if the man was hitting on him, or was just being his natural self. There was a good chance he was just imagining Tyki’s interest in him, but if he wasn’t, then what would he do if the man tried to pursue him? He couldn’t honestly say he was interested in Tyki in that way, having only met the man less than a week ago. But thinking about it, would it really be so bad if he responded to any advances the man may or may not make? If he was becoming so hung up over Kanda, then maybe what he needed was someone like Tyki who could make him forget about his infatuation with his best friend. It was a depressing idea, but he was slowly becoming convinced that it would be the right decision. Maybe someday it would even seem like a good one.

“Come on, they’re not that hard to deal with,” Tyki said comfortingly, misinterpreting the cause of Allen’s sudden withdrawal. Realizing that he had started to mope, Allen chided himself and adopted a more neutral demeanor. His previous thoughts were ruthlessly pushed out of his mind.

“You’d think that with how protective Komui is of Lenalee, he wouldn’t let her work in a place that’s bound to attract people like that,” Allen said, wondering what Komui would have done if he’d been present to witness the scene he and Tyki had.

Tyki grinned lopsidedly and held up an arm mockingly, as if to flex his muscle. “He knows that I’m all of the protection this place needs. One look at my massive biceps sends all of the troublemakers running home to cry about how inadequate they are.”

Eying Tyki’s not particularly impressive display, Allen quipped sarcastically, “Oh, definitely. Just be sure to keep those things under wraps, otherwise you’ll scare half of our potential customers away. Not to mention, how are any of these poor guys going to score with the ladies if you’re up here strutting about?”

Tyki let out a good natured laugh, and Allen did his best to ignore his mind’s protests as he smiled widely in return. For now, he’d simply see if Tyki responded to his flirting. If he did, then…well, he’d let the cards fall where they may.

* * *

 

Lifting his arms above his head, Kanda stretched his back, wincing as it let out a pop. He felt like he should be doing something more productive with his time than helping Tiedoll and Daisya clean out the spare art studio. The old man had been particularly eager about using it for Marie’s bachelor party, so even though the wedding wasn’t until almost a year from now, he was determined to get it ready right away.

Thinking about it made him nervous; Allen had predicted it jokingly, but when Marie cornered Kanda after he had neglected to show up to the announcement dinner, he had seriously asked him to be his best man. He’d tried refusing, but Marie remained stubborn about his choice until Kanda had finally relented. Of course, once his family had gotten a hold of the knowledge that he’d accepted the position, he’d been pelted with everything from derisive amusement (from Daisya), to a never-ending parade of suggestions and offers to help plan the bachelor party (from Tiedol). Putting up with Daisya’s taunts had made him so irritable that he had nearly shattered one of Tiedoll’s ceramic pots with his bare hands. He couldn’t stand his foster brother’s over-the-top personality most of the time, and now that he seemed to have dedicated himself to teasing Kanda, it was even more unbearable than usual. So Kanda hid himself away in a corner, figuring that the tedious but less aggravating job of sorting though boxes of old tools and paint brushes was a welcome trade. Unfortunately, his reprieve proved to be only temporary.

“Yo!” Daisya’s voice called out as he peered over the shelf that Kanda was hunched in front of. “You almost done there or do you need my help, Princess Primadonna?”

It really was a shame that Daisya knew him well enough to predict that he should probably duck before whatever Kanda decided to throw at him successfully smashed into his face. Thus the projectile paint can fell short of its mark. However, Kanda felt a great satisfaction when Daisya realized that his foster brother was already taking aim with a second can.

“Oh shit!” Daisya yelped as Kanda growled, “Eat this, fucker!”

Daisya’s pained groan was immensely satisfying as Kanda watched him try to staunch a nosebleed. “I think you broke my nose!” he wailed, scandalized.

“You’re overreacting, moron.” Kanda rolled his eyes as he saw the old man approaching worriedly. With an internal sigh, he thought that he really wasn’t in the mood to put up with this anymore.

Ten minutes and a lecture from Tiedoll later, Kanda found himself heading to Allen’s workplace at the café on Main Street. Some coffee sounded particularly nice at the moment, and maybe he’d see if Allen was free after his shift so they could do something to blow off steam. With that vague half-formed plan in his mind, he set out at a brisk walk.

///\\\\\///\\\\\///\\\\\///\\\\\///\\\\\

Kanda Yuu was an individual who was rarely, if ever, wrong-footed. Hence when he found himself taken aback by what he had just been told, it was not particularly surprising that he didn’t handle it very well.

“What do you mean he quit?” Kanda exclaimed, too surprised to keep his voice down.

The blonde woman behind the café counter raised an eyebrow and replied, “Exactly what I said. He quit. He doesn’t work here anymore. Allen has left the building. Now unless you’re going to buy something, get out of line so I can help the next customer.” She made a shooing motion with her hand.

A large man in a mildly ridiculous suit peeked out from an office behind the counter and said reprovingly, “Now now, Lulubell dear. Let’s not forget our talk about customer service.”

The woman rolled her eyes and fixed Kanda with a baleful stare. “Will you please get out of the way?”

“Che,” Kanda growled, spinning around and leaving the small shop.

Why hadn’t Allen told him he’d quit? Was there something going on with the Moyashi? Feeling a nagging worry begin to take root in his mind, Kanda pulled his phone out and dialed the only phone number he’d ever bothered to memorize. It rang an unusually long amount of time before the ringing stopped and Allen’s voice sounded.

“—anks, Tyki. Hello? What’s up, Kanda?” After the initial relief he experienced at hearing Allen’s voice (which was stupid, really), Kanda was temporarily bereft of something to say. “Kanda? Are you there?”

Without warning, something in Kanda snapped and he found himself growing angry. Allen sounded normal, and like nothing was wrong, so there was no sense in being worried. That just left the knowledge that Allen hadn’t bothered to tell him about leaving his job. He’d long known that there were things that Allen kept from him, but why would he hide something as trivial as this?

“Why didn’t you tell me you quit your job?” he demanded harshly. Now it was Allen’s turn to be momentarily speechless.

“U-uhm,” he finally stuttered, “S-sorry, I meant to mention it when we were at Rouvelier’s Bakery, but I thought it would be rude to tell you that I switched jobs when, erm, you’re having…so much trouble finding one.” His voice gradually got smaller as he spoke, and was practically inaudible by the time he reached the end of his sentence. This did not make Kanda feel any better. If anything, Allen’s meekness angered him further.

“Did you think telling me would piss me off or something?” Kanda asked, making no attempt to keep his voice down.

“Well…you are pissed,” Allen pointed out tentatively.

“Idiot, that’s not why I—”

“Hold on,” Allen interrupted him. “I get off my shift in about 45 minutes. Why don’t you come over here so we can talk in person?”

Kanda felt a strong urge to decline the invitation just to be stubborn, but found himself relenting at the last moment. “Fine. But you’re going to have to tell me where in the hell you are first,” Kanda said as snarky as he could.

“Right. Um, I’m at The Black Order. Do you know where—”

“I know where it is. I’ll be there soon.” Kanda ended the call without regard for politeness and started walking.

For the first few minutes, the anger he felt rampaged through him like a tempest. However, as it began to fade, Kanda found himself trying to figure out why he had reacted so vehemently in the first place.

It didn’t make sense. Allen didn’t answer to him, and it was his choice whether or not he told Kanda about starting a new job. Still, it stung that Allen didn’t trust him to handle the news without getting angry or upset. It was true that he probably would have been a little frustrated had Allen told him when they were at the bakery, but he could have told him any time since then. It would have been preferable to having to find out from that snobby bitch instead of Allen himself. It made him wonder what else Allen might keep from him in an attempt to spare his feelings—or exactly how much he already wasn’t telling him. Ridiculous as it made him feel, when he got down to the root of it, he was upset because he didn’t know how much about Allen he truly understood.

There had been that one fateful night when they met each other by chance in the park and confided in each other about the skeletons in their closets, but it had been the only time they had such a serious discussion. By no means did Kanda want to start talking about his feelings all of the time, though on the other hand, he wanted to know that Allen was comfortable with talking about himself to Kanda. He wanted to know for sure that Allen didn’t still think of him as some convenient stranger to go to whenever the inclination struck. Even though he considered himself familiar with his white-haired friend, there were still times when he couldn’t tell whether or not he was truly seeing through the happy façade Allen wore which acted as a dam that held back the brunt of his true emotions from the world. He resented not knowing, and it annoyed him that he couldn’t just forget about these insecurities. Damn it, they were friends, right? Friends were supposed to talk about shit like this, weren’t they? He hadn’t had a true friend since Alma, so he didn’t know how he should deal with wanting to know more about Allen. Obviously, it would be incredibly embarrassing to say that to Allen’s face, so how was he supposed to deal with it?

He couldn’t just ask, for instance, about the odd scar that ran from Allen’s forehead, over his eye and to his cheek; Kanda had never thought that it was any of his business to inquire about how it had happened, yet he’d never quite been able to forget about it either. Allen had never volunteered an explanation, and Kanda’s old self would have been fine with that. Now that he couldn’t deny that he wanted to know, the thought of there being secrets between them made him feel irritated. Did he even have a right to feel that way? When Alma was still alive, there had been no secrets between the two of them. Then again, they’d practically been brothers. Allen was just some guy he hadn’t even known for a whole year. There really shouldn’t be a comparison between the two.

It suddenly occurred to him that if Alma were here, he’d tell Kanda that he was getting himself worked up and to just give Allen a chance to explain himself. By now, the anger had mostly run its course and Kanda found himself agreeing to Alma’s imagined advice. Satisfied with this decision, he emptied his mind of everything but the directions to The Black Order and concentrated only on them as he walked.

The bar soon came in to sight, its sign flickering through the encroaching darkness of the evening. There was a slow trickle of people moving in and out of the doors as he approached and he had to dodge and weave his way through the dawdling crowd just to get to them.

Standing on the threshold of the softly lit room, he ignored the band playing on the small stage and scanned the packed dining and bar area. Almost immediately, he zeroed in on Allen’s unmistakable snowy white hair. Dressed in a simple black and white bartender outfit, he had a polite smile on his face as he spoke with a customer sitting on a bar stool. He hadn’t seen Kanda come in, so that unfortunately meant that he would have to make his way to the bar while avoiding the boisterous crowd. Kanda had taken a few steps forward when he saw a suave looking dark skinned man in the same bartender uniform approach Allen from behind and lay an arm across his shoulders. He leaned down and said something that made Allen jump in surprise then start laughing.

Kanda froze as though he had been submerged in icy water. He suddenly found that he really didn’t want to interrupt Allen or have to meet this flashy new friend of his. The overwhelming need struck to get outside of this oppressive room before the focus of his attention noticed him. Without really thinking about what he was doing, he spun around and practically pushed people aside in his haste to get back through the doors.

What in the hell was that? He moved so that he was out of the way of the busy crowd and attempted to regain his sense of calm but had little luck. With his mind a jumble of thoughts and emotions, he was having trouble figuring out what exactly had set him off this time. Right now, the burning question in his mind was about Allen’s coworker, and if they were really as close to each other as the scene he had just witnessed would suggest. It had almost looked…like they were a couple.

Why did that idea aggravate him? Because it was another reminder of Allen keeping things from him? With a mirthless laugh, he wondered how he could be expected to understand the idiot Moyashi when he couldn’t even figure himself out. Taking a deep breath, it occurred to him that he was probably blowing the whole situation way out of proportion. But even with that realization, nothing in the world could induce him to walk back into the bar and talk with Allen right now. Not when he was so off balance.

  
Allen was still expecting him to arrive at any minute, so he took out his phone and sent a brief text message saying that he wasn’t coming after all, then began walking away as fast as his long legs would carry him. He was avoiding Allen at the moment, but he couldn’t continue to do that and expect that the situation would go away. So what was he supposed to do?

The image of Allen laughing with that stranger flashed through his mind again, and he found himself wanting to be violent in a way that he hadn’t since before he’d met the pale, slim man. Why should he even care who Allen associated with? Kanda remembered having a similar reaction when he’d first met that woman, Lenalee, but with her it hadn’t been nearly as violent. Was it selfish of him that to wish that he could be the only person capable of evoking such laughter from Allen?

A headache was coming on as he walked up the broad steps to the front door of his house. He slammed the door behind him and kicked his shoes off, then headed to the medicine cabinet to grab some pain relievers. A quiet voice broke through the haze in his mind.

“Kanda?” He turned and saw Marie peeking out of his room, looking in his general direction. “You sound upset. Did something happen?”

“No,” Kanda said shortly, striding past him. His reply obviously didn’t satisfy Marie, because no sooner had he shut the door to his room and sat down on the bed, his oldest foster brother let himself in right behind him.

“You’re a terrible liar, you know that?” Marie said idly.

“Don’t you have a wedding to plan or something?” Kanda responded bitingly, not facing the other. Long used to his younger brother’s foul temper, Kanda’s reply didn’t faze Marie in the slightest.

“Lately you’ve been happier than I’ve seen you in years—well, figuratively at least,” Marie smiled ruefully as he gestured towards his sightless eyes before continuing, “so I’d like to know what happened to change that.”

“Nothing happened,” Kanda ground out. Thinking about how he’d run away from the situation, he added more to himself than Marie, “At least, not really.”

Marie pounced on this, and queried, “Not really?” He made his way to the bed and sat beside Kanda, signaling that he wasn’t going to be put off so easily.

Annoyed with himself for giving Marie something to go on, Kanda begrudgingly admitted, “I had a bit of a fight with the Moyashi.”

“You mean Allen? About what?”

“I don’t know!” Kanda said, clenching his fists in frustration. The confusion he felt loosened his tongue; as though he hoped saying it aloud would help him understand what was bothering him. “He didn’t tell me that he switched jobs, making me find out on my own, and I got annoyed with him so I went to talk to him about it in person instead of over the phone, but then when I saw him I didn’t want to talk anymore so I just left before he saw me.”

“You’re angry about him switching jobs?” Marie asked, staying calm in the face of Kanda’s distress.

“No! I don’t give a shit about that.”

“So then you’re angry that he didn’t tell you?”

“Yes, but it’s not just that.” Kanda’s vocabulary deserted him as he couldn’t find the words to describe why it had affected him so deeply. Marie seemed to sense this, and didn’t press him to explain further.

“If it made you upset, then why did you leave without talking to him?”

Kanda furrowed his brows. “I don’t know. When I saw him, he was laughing with some guy and they seemed pretty close, and I just…I didn’t want to be around them.”

He wouldn’t admit to the feeling of wanting to monopolize Allen’s friendship, because it seemed too private of a sentiment to share. When Marie said nothing for an unusually long moment, Kanda gave in and looked at the older man. To his bewilderment, Marie’s mouth hung slightly open and his eyes were widened in an expression akin to shock as he looked at Kanda.

“What?” Kanda demanded when the other remained silent.

Marie jumped, then seemed to shake himself out of his stupor and asked, “If Allen had been by himself, would you have gone and talked with him?”

Perplexed, Kanda replied slowly, “Yeah, I guess.”

“What about if he’d been joking around with me?”

“Why would the two of you be hanging out together in the first place?”

“Just answer the question.”

“Yes I would. Where are you going with this?” Kanda was beginning to get testy.

“Did it bother you because Allen was enjoying himself with someone you didn’t know?” Marie asked intently.

Kanda opened his mouth to reply, but snapped it shut before anything made it out. He knew the answer to that, but it wasn’t something he wanted to say out loud.

Interpreting Kanda’s silence as answer enough, Marie said, “It sounds to me like you were jealous.”

“Why would I be jealous?” Kanda scoffed at the label of jealousy.

“Perhaps because you thought there was reason to be jealous,” Marie said easily. “Do you think that maybe you might like Allen as more than just a friend?”

That question hung between them as the elusive connection Kanda’s mind had been trying to make for the past hour was finally accomplished. It was such an astounding idea that he couldn’t even wrap his mind around it.

“I’ve never liked anyone like that before,” he stated, in a weak attempt to refute Marie’s suggestion.

“Just because it’s never happened before doesn’t mean it wasn’t possible.” Marie grinned.

“Being jealous doesn’t automatically mean that I must see the Moyashi…like that!” Kanda said, more vehement in his denial now.

“You’re right, it doesn’t,” Marie replied simply, his tone implying that he thought otherwise.

After a few moments, Marie sighed and said, “When I started getting serious about Miranda, I had a lot of trouble keeping my jealousy in check when she was with other people. I wanted her to spend all of her free time with me, and the thought of her opening up around anyone else nearly drove me up the wall. At one point, I was even convinced that she was having an affair.”

Kanda couldn’t help being just as shocked at the idea of the timid woman doing something like that, as he was that Marie had ever considered it.

Marie continued. “I was ashamed to feel so possessive of her, and it caused a few fights between us, but in the end I had to decide to trust her. She’s become my world, and I’ll do anything to keep her. Even if she really had been having an affair, I would have fought tooth and nail to get her back.”

Marie’s voice had risen unconsciously as he spoke, as though a testament to his passion, but now it dropped back to its normal volume. “What I’m trying to get at is that even if you don’t think you have feelings for Allen, he obviously means a lot to you, and you owe it to yourself to at least talk to him about this instead of avoiding it.”

But Allen didn’t trust him, which was the problem. How was he even supposed to begin talking about something like this? He wasn’t one to talk about his feelings so easily, and if he brought them up, what was to guarantee that Allen wouldn’t just ridicule him?

Then there was the ludicrous idea that he’d fallen for the Moyashi. The fact that they were both males didn’t bother Kanda. He’d even gathered from a few things Allen had let slip before that his tastes ran more towards other men. His own stance was that if he ever found someone he could tolerate, he didn’t care about their physiology. So gender wasn’t an issue. But the thought of actually pursuing Allen in a romantic sense was so alien, he didn’t know whether he should get angry at Marie for suggesting it, or just ignore it and focus on his annoyance at Allen keeping him in the dark.

At some point during his reflections, Marie had gotten up and left him to his thoughts. Kanda flopped down on his bed and decided to take a nap. He would figure things out later.

* * *

 

Allen lay sprawled out on his couch as he checked his phone for the seventh time in the past ten minutes to see if Kanda had texted him back. Timcampy was watching him from the arm of the couch where he was perched. Allen had a notion that Tim was exasperated with his dramatics, but he couldn’t help himself. A few days had passed since Kanda had found out about him switching jobs and since then, Allen had heard nothing from the Japanese man. Instead of meeting him at The Black Order like he had initially said, Kanda had sent Allen a brief text saying that he had changed his mind and was heading home. Since then, he had stubbornly remained out of contact. Feeling guilty, Allen hadn’t pushed him to talk right away. But the longer he waited, the more anxious he got. Kanda was perfectly capable of holding a grudge for long periods of time. Allen already missed his friend so much that it was giving him stomachaches. The thought that Kanda was so mad at him that he didn’t even want to see him was too much for him to bear.

Thus Allen had succumbed to the temptation to be the one who reached out first. He sent Kanda a short text simply asking if they could talk. He’d had time to think, and the more he thought about it, the more it didn’t make sense that Kanda would react so harshly just because Allen hadn’t told him about his job. That he was pissed was one thing, but the petty silence suggested that there was something more. They’d been angry with each other plenty of times before, but they would always simply argue until they lost sight of what it was that had set them off in the first place. Then they forgot about it and were friends again. That was why having Kanda avoid contact with him all together was so troubling.

In a moment of panic, it struck Allen that maybe Kanda was ignoring him because he’d somehow realized Allen’s less than pure feelings for him. After getting his heart to calm down, Allen took a deep breath. He was fairly sure that he’d done nothing to give himself away and that Kanda was still safely clueless. Despite Lenalee’s claims, Allen thought that he was rather good at keeping his feelings under wraps when he needed to; after all, she had never realized that he liked her. Even though he had dismissed the idea that Kanda knew about Allen’s crush on him, he couldn’t help but imagine what would happen if he really did know. He figured that at best, Kanda would be uncomfortable around him. At worst, he could decide to break off their friendship. The thought produced an uncomfortable lurching sensation in his stomach. Biting his lip, he sat up and nudged Timcampy onto his finger.

“I don’t think it’s possible for me to let go of Kanda at this point. What should I do?” he asked the bird. A chirp and a cocked head was his only reply. Allen sighed. Tim might be a great listener, but he wasn’t so great with responses. Maybe Allen should swallow his discomfiture and bring the topic up with Lenalee? She still hadn’t fully lost her cool attitude with him, but he was sure she’d be willing to help.

As he made up his mind to do just that, his phone gave off a text alert and he fumbled with it to check the new message. Characteristic of Kanda, his reply was short and to the point. An unelaborated ‘No’ was all he had bothered to send. Exasperated, Allen sat up and tucked his phone into his pocket. He was sick of worrying about the situation, so it was time he actually did something about it. He put Timcampy back into his cage and set off to The Black Order, where Lenalee was on shift. He had a plan and a grim determination to do whatever he needed to make his best friend talk to him again.

Hopefully, Kanda would forgive him for it.

* * *

 

Kanda lay on his bed and continued to do his best to ignore his cell phone’s vibration, reminding him insistently that he’d gotten a text. Since the Moyashi was the only person who ever texted him, it didn’t take a genius to figure out who the message might be from. He hadn’t actively decided to ignore his white-haired friend, but the thought of talking to him right now was irritating and slightly painful—though mostly irritating because Allen was just generally a frustrating person. He wanted to yell at him for keeping secrets, and as odd as it seemed, he wanted Allen to argue back. To angrily tell him why he’d done it, or call him ridiculous for letting such a stupid thing bother him so much. Sure, it would probably piss him off more, but that was normal between them. But now that Marie had suggested that he had feelings for Allen, the thought was never far from his mind. How could things go back to normal when he had that hanging over his head?

The phone buzzed again and Kanda glanced at it. Feeling altogether fed up with himself all of a sudden, Kanda snatched the phone up and checked what the message said. It was a short text, only asking, ‘Can we talk?’. Dropping his phone without sending a reply, Kanda got off his bed and began to pace.

What would Allen say if he agreed to talk? Maybe tell him that Kanda’s childish attitude was an embarrassment? Would he find out that Allen had someone to replace him with? Growling, Kanda quickened his pacing in agitation. Why the fuck should he care if that suave looking guy might possibly be someone that Allen was interested in? It didn’t matter to him at all.

Seized by a new wave of irritation, Kanda grabbed his phone and texted back his reply, then headed to the gym room to vent some steam. As he began stretching, he couldn’t help imagining Allen talking and laughing joyfully with the stranger as they held hands, or embraced, or even…Blushing, Kanda rid his head of that particular image. He wasn’t interested. That was what he was telling himself, at least, but it was hard to keep his mind from imagining what it would be like to date Allen.

For once, he allowed himself to seriously consider the idea. He still maintained that wanting to be the only person Allen opened up to on such an personal level didn’t mean he wanted to date him. But the more he thought about the relationship that had built up between the two of them, the more Kanda realized that he wanted to be the only one who could make Allen laugh like he really meant it, the one to comfort him when he was upset, and the one who would always see behind the mask Allen used to hide his true emotions. The thought of gentle Allen giving that privilege away to someone else was just…just…well, it made him want to punch things.

Pushing thoughts of Allen to the back of his mind, Kanda lost himself in exercise.

///\\\\\///\\\\\///\\\\\///\\\\\///\\\\\

As Kanda returned to his room after showering, he became aware of his phone buzzing. Apprehensively, he picked it up to see who might be calling him. With a frown, he saw that it wasn’t a number that he recognized. Deciding to ignore the call, Kanda silenced the ringer then began picking through his dresser for a change of clothes. Only a few minutes passed before his phone started ringing again. For the second time, he silenced it. Wrong number calls always pissed him off because people never seemed to believe him when he said they had the wrong number, so he never answered them if he could avoid it.

However, it seemed that he wouldn’t be able to avoid it this time, because no sooner had Kanda begun to comb through his wet hair, the phone began to ring for the third time. Annoyed, Kanda grabbed his phone and half growled, half yelled, “What?” into the receiver.

There was a brief silence then a woman’s voice asked, “You are…Kanda Yuu?”

Holding back his first couple of responses, Kanda said, “I am, but who the hell are you?”

“I’m Lenalee—we’ve met once before,” the woman answered, surprisingly undaunted by Kanda’s less than welcoming attitude. Recognition sparked and Kanda recalled the Chinese woman he’d met before with the Moyashi. Why the hell was she calling him, let alone why did she have his number?

Lenalee explained herself quickly, as though expecting Kanda to hang up before she could finish. “I’m, uh, calling because I need a favor. Allen is here at the bar, but uh…he’s completely wasted and someone should really take him home. I can’t because I’m still on my shift, so I checked the contacts on his phone and got your number.” Kanda probably would have hung up upon realizing the connection between her and the Moyashi, if he hadn’t heard the words ‘Allen’ and ‘drunk’ in the same sentence.

Too stupefied to hold back, Kanda exclaimed, “Bullshit! He hates alcohol, so why would he go and get himself shit-faced? Besides, he’s not even legal yet so how did that happen?”

Lenalee sounded uncomfortable as she admitted, “My brother owns the bar and since he and Allen are friends, he let him drink.” She rushed on before he could comment. “So will you pick him up or not?”

Something was wrong if Allen of all people had decided to get drunk, and he wasn’t going to just ignore it. “I’ll be there in a little while. Make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid until I get there.” Kanda ended the call and decided to forgo the comb, instead running his fingers briefly through his long hair before tying it back.

The same apprehension he had felt before when thinking about Allen resurfaced with the knowledge that he’d be seeing him again shortly. He felt like there had been a fundamental shift in their friendship, or at least how he thought of it, and he was uncertain about how he would react to seeing Allen now. But he wasn’t going to be a sissy about it any longer. He was going to pick Allen up, berate his drunken ass, dump him off at his apartment, and things would go back to normal. There really was no reason to think twice about it.

Besides, who knew what Allen could get up to being drunk? Kanda felt certain that he would indeed do something stupid. What if he’d been pressured into drinking by someone else? It could have been that guy that he saw Allen with before. If that was the case, then he might try to take advantage of Allen when his defenses were down.

The thought quickened his steps and he was out the door. Having no car himself was unfortunate, but if Allen was too drunk to walk back home, he’d simply call a taxi.

///\\\\\///\\\\\///\\\\\///\\\\\///\\\\\

When he arrived at The Black Order, he scanned through the crowd, but couldn’t see a hint of familiar white hair. He did, however, notice Lenalee waving him over to the counter next to the bar. Making his way over to her, he asked, “Where is he?”

Lenalee looked nervous as she looked to her left. “He’s in the bathroom, but—hey, hold on a minute!”

Kanda ignored Lenalee’s call and headed straight for the bathroom. Just as he was reaching out for the handle, the door opened from the other side and he suddenly found himself face to face with a decidedly not drunk Allen Walker. His pale eyes widened upon seeing Kanda and there was an awkward moment where they stood at an impasse.

“You’re not drunk,” Kanda blurted out, the first to break the silence. His confusion quickly turning to anger, he sent a glare towards Lenalee, who gave him a sheepish look then retreated into a back room as if to avoid his wrath. “She said you were.”

Allen moved out of the bathroom doorway then said, “I know. I asked her to.”

Turning his glare on Allen, he growled, “Start explaining before I get pissed.”

Wisely deciding not to point out that Kanda was obviously already pissed, Allen said, “Don’t be angry with her. You were ignoring me, and I couldn’t think of any other way to get you to talk with me.”

“I wasn’t ignoring you. I just didn’t feel like talking to anybody for a while,” Kanda lied, and then brushed past the lie to say, “Obviously you don’t need my help to make it home, so I’ll be leaving now.” He turned to leave but Allen caught his arm before he could.

“Kanda, wait! If you leave now, I really will get myself plastered and probably do a whole bunch of really stupid things!” Allen threatened with a determined set to his face. Upon seeing that he had Kanda’s attention, he continued, “I just want to talk with you for a little while, is that so much to ask?” The plea was heartfelt, and Kanda could see that he meant every word he said. Warring between the foolishness he felt at being tricked and the temptation he felt to simply get this over with and move on with life, Kanda stayed silent.

Looking back at Allen, he saw that the younger man was waiting patiently for his answer, eyes never wavering from his face as though at that moment he was the only thing in the world that mattered. He felt himself deflating and Allen’s relieved expression indicated that he could guess Kanda’s answered before he spoke it.

“You want to talk? Let’s talk then.”

The pleading expression returned to Allen’s face and he hedged, “Actually, um…I promised I’d help finish some unpacking in the back before I left, so could you wait for me until then? I was planning on being done by the time you got here, but you were earlier than I expected.” Seeing Kanda’s impatience, he added quickly, “I’ll only be about ten more minutes.”

“Che. Fine, just hurry up,” Kanda growled. Maybe the extra time would help him figure out what he was going to say. Allen brightened again then made his way to the same door that Lenalee had left through minutes before.

Deciding that he didn’t want to hang out around the bathrooms, Kanda made his way to an empty bar stool and sat down. Only a few seconds later it seemed, a Chinese man with shoulder length blue black hair took the open seat next to him and gave him a friendly look.

“You’re Allen’s friend Kanda, right?” he asked, and when Kanda grunted yes, his smile got wider. “I’m Komui, Lenalee’s older brother and the owner of this establishment. It’s nice to meet you.” He extended his hand and Kanda shook it mostly because he didn’t want to deal with offending the man by refusing.

After several minutes had passed, Kanda began to suspect that nothing he said or did was likely to faze the man after all. Komui had begun to prattle on about himself and how he’d started his business, only stopping to inquire about Kanda a few times almost as if were an afterthought. Kanda put up with it because it was better than staring at the dark skinned man who was busy mixing drinks for customers. Even though he’d been doing his best to ignore him, he’d already gathered that his name was Tyki (what a stupid name) and that his accented voice was indeed as suave as he had imagined (it sounded ridiculous). Ignoring him further proved increasingly difficult when Allen finally reappeared and Tyki practically cornered him for what looked like idle chit chat.

Komui was still talking and Kanda tried hastily to pay more attention to the man, but his focus was caught on the fact that something Tyki said had caused Allen to blush and look towards Kanda only to blush harder when he saw Kanda was watching him. Before he had time to fully process this, he abruptly found himself shoved to the side as a very drunk man came up to the bar beside him and called loudly for another drink.

Tyki turned away from his conversation with Allen and raised an eyebrow at the demanding man. “Forgive me if I’m mistaken, but didn’t you say before that you wouldn’t be able to pay for another drink?” he asked very mildly.

The man barked a laugh and leaned even further over the counter. “Don’t be a spoil-sport! Jus’ start me a tab or somethin’!” Kanda couldn’t help a sneer at the man’s shameless behavior.

Allen stepped forward and put on his best polite expression. “I’m sorry sir, but it is against our policy to allow customers to keep tabs.”

“I already bought lots ah drinks from you guys, so you could at least give me one on th’ house! Whattaya say?” The drunk made a grab for Allen but Tyki reacted quicker than any of them and pulled Allen out of the man’s reach before he made contact.

Whether it was because the idiot drunk had tried to grab Allen or because Tyki still had his hand protectively on Allen’s shoulder, Kanda needed to do something to clear the angry haze in his head. It just so happened that the drunken man was the closer target. Rising from his seat in a fluid motion, Kanda grabbed the startled man by the collar of his shirt and growled, “It’s time for you to get lost.”

It wasn’t until Kanda had dragged the man half way to the door that he recovered his wits enough to protest. “The hell, man? Leggo of me!” His drunken and uncoordinated attempts to free himself were unsuccessful though, and he soon found himself propelled through the front door. Screeching in protest, the man made as if to start a fight, but there must have been a guardian angel looking out for his sorry ass because his friends rushed out and quickly convinced him to leave with them before Kanda had a chance to break his face in. Quelling the urge to go after them anyway, Kanda took a deep breath and headed back inside.

Komui had approached the door and met him with a pleased grin on his face. “Thank you, Kanda. I think that display has made me confident in my decision to hire you.”

“What?” Kanda asked, sure he had just misheard him.

“On the grounds that you could provide some much needed security around this place, I mean,” Komui clarified.

Kanda stared at the man. Komui seemed to anticipate his silence though, and continued speaking. “If you’d like, we could formalize things now or later, but you will accept my offer, won’t you?” Kanda was still feeling distinctly like a fish out of water when Komui chuckled and looked over at Allen, who had just approached the two of them. “He’s even more reticent than you said, Allen.”

Kanda jerked. Had Allen somehow talked this man into giving him a job? He had been tricked twice over?

Allen seemed to realize that something was wrong because he called out Kanda’s name questioningly and was approaching slowly, as though trying not to startle a flighty deer. Everyone was watching him, and he felt overwhelmed with the attention. True to his nature, he didn’t handle the stress very well.

Kanda turned and bolted through the doors, ignoring Allen calling after him. His longs strides were suddenly halted as a hand gripped his wrist and anchored him to the spot. Without bothering to look, he knew it was Allen who had a hold of him. He tried to yank himself out of the younger man’s grip, but was unsuccessful. Later he would blame the lingering adrenaline rush from tossing the man out of the bar, or the anger and confusion he felt about Allen’s actions, or maybe the fact that he was simply tired of avoiding the knotted mess of his emotions.

Whatever the reason, Kanda reversed Allen’s grip on his wrist as he turned around and yanked him closer. With bruising force, he crushed their lips together, silencing Allen’s small gasp of surprise.

Any thoughts that might have been floating around in his mind evaporated as his senses became preoccupied with the feeling of the shorter man pulled against him, his soft skin, his warmth, his taste, and the way he trembled ever so slightly before he began to respond to the kiss. What initially began as a heated and desperate assault melted into a gentle and languid exchange as they explored each other’s mouths with such focus that everything else around them dissolved from their awareness. It was with reluctance that the two of them finally pulled away from each other to gasp much needed oxygen into their lungs.

Kanda reopened the eyes he didn’t remember closing and drank in the sight of Allen’s flushed appearance, the almost luminous quality of his widened eyes and thought…shit. He’d really done that, hadn’t he?

He couldn’t wonder about the fact that Allen had obviously responded to the kiss, because Kanda was stuck on the knowledge that it was probably the most phenomenally stupid thing he’d ever done in his life. They were supposed to just talk, yet Kanda had to go and attack the Moyashi’s face like a horny monkey. There would be no pretending that he was just imagining his attraction to Allen anymore. The kiss had burned all of the anger out of him, but had left the smoldering ashes of shame and mortification in its place.  
Unable to maintain his gaze at Allen’s face, his eyes fell on his hand which was still gripping the shorter boy’s wrist. He was tired of running away from his feelings, right?

“Uh…,” he started eloquently, his gaze slowly making its way back to Allen’s face. His eyes traveled as far as Allen’s lips before he decided that even though he didn’t want to simply run, there was nothing wrong with sprinting.

* * *

 

Allen was eleven when Cross had decided with great amusement to give him an extremely thoroughly detailed account about ‘the birds and the bees’. Or as he’d put it, ‘the only important lesson you’ll ever get in life’. Aside from the certainty that his face had been red for a week straight afterward, Allen had come away from the experience with the conviction that Cross was certainly exaggerating about how great sex was and that he never wanted anything to do with it.

As he got older, he realized that maybe some of the things Cross had mentioned didn’t seem too bad. For instance, having someone to love actually sounded like something pleasant. Cross called him a romantic, but he didn’t really mind because it was true; he became fixated on the idea that someone might love him so deeply just for being himself. With the passage of more time, however, Allen began to think that his childish dream would forever be just that—an unobtainable fairytale that only played out in movies. People he wanted to date never wanted to date him, while for the people who did date him, Allen could never make himself feel affection for beyond the level of a good friendship. Then there were the countless people who were driven away by his strange appearance. Eventually he decided that he was done getting rejected by people he cared about and that he was perfectly capable of surviving without someone special standing by his side.

Then Kanda came along and tested his convictions like nothing else had before. He saw past what most others never could; the discolored hair, pale washed out eyes, and the faded scar running down his cheek didn’t faze him in the slightest. Allen thought that he could probably show up one day with fire red hair and tattoos covering him from head to toe yet Kanda would do little more than blink in surprise before moving on. Allen loved him for it, but at the same time, it terrified him that Kanda might change how he felt or acted if he knew about Allen’s feelings for him. Therefore, like so many times before, he held in the love that wanted to explode from his chest and told himself that he was content with things as they were.

So when Allen suddenly found himself being ravaged by the impossibly handsome and unreachable Kanda Yuu, he thought that surely he had at some point fallen asleep and begun dreaming. Only the bursting of his heart and the intrusion of Kanda’s tongue insistently plundering his mouth convinced him otherwise.

The hyperawareness of Kanda against him swamped Allen in an almost suffocating heat. His knees threatened to buckle out from under him and he grabbed at the chest of Kanda’s jacket to keep upright. That slight decrease in distance between their bodies snapped the last thread of Allen’s hesitance and with a shudder running through him, he began to respond in earnest to the soul searing kiss.

All too soon though, it was ending. They pulled away from each other, but neither had moved to stand apart quite yet. An invisible thread bound them together, transfixed. Still in a daze, Allen couldn’t think of a single thing to say. Kanda was having similar troubles, judging by the blush on his face and the way he was determinedly avoiding looking straight at him.

“Uh…,” Kanda managed to voice before being struck dumb again. Apprehensive now, Allen watched Kanda more closely. Surely he wouldn’t try and avoid what had just happened between them, would he? Mere seconds later, Allen had his answer. Yes, Kanda apparently wasn’t above taking the avoidance route judging by the fact that he was currently attempting to put as much distance between them as possible.

Simultaneously dismayed and annoyed, Allen let out a frustrated noise and made his second grab for Kanda that day. “Where the hell do you think you’re going, you idiot?” he growled, holding tightly to Kanda’s arm with both arms this time.

“Let me go,” Kanda ordered, dragging the overpowered Allen behind him one step at a time.

“Why? So you can pretend nothing happened and go back to ignoring me?”

“None of your business.”

“I just want to talk!” Allen cried, not caring about the commotion they were causing.

“I don’t want to talk,” Kanda said shortly, still struggling with Allen’s weight holding him back.

If he let Kanda go now, something told Allen that he wouldn’t see him again. Kanda would probably avoid him forever, and there was no way he could deal with that. If Allen himself had been the one to force himself onto Kanda, maybe he would let the man go. But Kanda had started it, and there was no way he was going to let him go without getting an explanation first. Feeling oddly reckless, Allen decided to take a chance.

“Okay then,” he said, and as he spoke, he realized that his voice sounded throaty as though he was about to cry. Distractedly, he thought that it may even work in his favor, if only to get Kanda to stay a few moments longer. He didn’t care that it made him feel devious—the time for playing nice had passed. Besides, he probably really would start crying if Kanda ended up leaving. He released his grip so suddenly that Kanda stumbled forward a few steps before giving Allen a puzzled look.

“If being around me is such a problem, then I won’t burden you any longer. So if that’s what you want, you’re free to go. I’m going to go to the park. You’re welcome to join me if you can be bothered to talk.” He let his message sink in for a few moments before he began to walk away. His heart was beating somewhere in the vicinity of his throat until he heard Kanda growl several curses and he knew his gamble had paid off.

“Damn it!” the Japanese man snarled. Allen was too tense to give Kanda more than a slight smile as the taller man caught up to him.

They walked side by side in silence, each marshalling their own thoughts. By an unspoken agreement, they were holding off on speaking until they reached their shared sacred ground. To Allen, Kanda seemed to be a bit shell shocked by the events of the past hour. As much as he wanted to ask why Kanda had kissed him, he knew he would have to tread lightly around the subject, otherwise the Japanese man would likely clam up again and not say anything. Even harder than that prospect was attempting to keep the hope that was growing within him under control. Since Kanda had been the one to initiate their kiss after all, with no prompting from him, could that possibly mean that the man had feelings for him? Would his damnable pride even allow him to admit something like that? Allen sighed and wondered not for the first time why he had to fall in love with someone so difficult. Something gave him the feeling that if they had met sooner in life, Allen wouldn’t have had the patience to deal with the temperamental swordsman.

When they arrived at the park, there were a couple of kids playing basketball, but otherwise the place was deserted. Allen headed for the swing set and sat down on one of the seats; Kanda remained standing with his arms crossed in a pose that was probably meant to be intimidating, but came off as more defensive than anything. Clearly Allen was going to have to get the ball rolling if this conversation was going to happen anytime soon. Bracing himself mentally, he spoke.

“Are you planning on taking the job?” Kanda had obviously been expecting Allen to ask about the kiss right away, and he did a poor job of hiding how wrong footed he was. A harshly resentful look slowly replaced his surprise.

“You set that up, didn’t you?” Not waiting for Allen to confirm or deny his assertion, he continued, “I don’t want to take a job that someone else got for me. I’m a grown man and I can do that myself. I’m not incompetent or helpless, so I don’t need your fucking charity.”

Doing his best to bite down on any feelings of guilt, Allen admitted, “You’re right in that I did suggest to Komui that you might be a good applicant to hire, but—” He spoke quicker now because he couldn’t be one hundred percent sure that Kanda wasn’t about to hit him. “That’s all I did, I swear! He interviewed you himself before he decided to do it.” Allen withheld the fact that he’d specifically asked Komui not to let Kanda know he was being interviewed in order to avoid Kanda stressing out about it. Komui had thought the method seemed like fun, but Allen had made sure to warn him of Kanda’s likely reaction. Fortunately, the man was bothered by very little in life beyond who his precious little sister chose to date.

“Would it really have been so hard for either of you to just tell me about it instead of tricking me into it?” Kanda asked accusingly. Allen did his best not to fidget and turn away from the intense and unflinching cobalt stare that had him pinned to the spot.

“Look, I wasn’t trying to trick you. But when would I have had a chance to tell you about it? You were ignoring me, remember? Besides, things turned out alright and I don’t regret what I did.” Not yet, anyway. But if Kanda was expecting him to apologize for trying to help, then he had another thing coming. With this thought in mind, he was able to muster all of his determination to face Kanda with, meeting anger with stubbornness. Something changed in Kanda’s expression, but before Allen could figure out what it was, Kanda looked away.

“Che. Not that it matters much anymore. I doubt Komui was impressed by the way I ran out the door instead of answering him.”

Allen moved his legs and began to swing slightly back and forth without his feet ever leaving the ground. “I don’t think you have to worry about that. I guess you didn’t hear, but before I caught up to you, Komui said that he was still going to wait for your answer.”

Kanda stared at him then slowly shook his head disbelievingly. “What a nut job.”

“He can be a little eccentric, but he’s a good man and a good boss,” Allen ventured, cautiously optimistic about the fact that Kanda wasn’t exploding on him. Kanda returned his gaze to Allen, still faintly accusatory but no longer hostile.

“Why didn’t you tell me that you switched jobs?”

Allen frowned. “For that I am sorry, but I had no idea that it would bother you so much.”

Kanda unclenched his arms and made a frustrated noise. “It’s not like—I could give a rat’s ass about where you work.”

Allen raised his eyebrows and asked skeptically, “Then why were you so angry that I didn’t tell you?”

“Because the thought of you keeping secrets like that from me just pisses me off,” Kanda blurted out. He hesitated briefly, letting Allen know that Kanda hadn’t meant to reveal that so easily. Apparently deciding that he might as well explain himself fully, he continued. “If you can’t trust me with little things like that, then I don’t know why we should even call ourselves friends.” Kanda’s statement came out flatly as he stared Allen down, his dark gaze flicking to the scar running down his cheek before looking away.

Allen’s stomach dropped and he clenched the chain of the swing as though it had become a lifeline. Swallowing the panic that followed Kanda’s statement, he forced himself to focus. So Kanda wasn’t really upset about the job, just the fact that Allen hadn’t told him. Looking back, Allen felt ashamed that he could think that Kanda would give in to such pettiness about a stupid job. In his blindness, he had managed to hurt Kanda in a way he had never even considered possible. It all came down to trust. Before, if someone had asked whether or not he trusted Kanda, his automatic reply would have been a resounding and definitive yes. But now, he was beginning to realize how untrue that was. Kanda was right. If he truly trusted him, he would have told him without fear about his new job. However, the way Kanda had spoken, coupled with his brief glance at the scar that marred his face, hinted that there were other things that he felt Allen was keeping from him.

The most obvious thing he could think of was that Kanda wanted to know the explanation behind his scar. When they had first met, Kanda hadn’t given more than a cursory glance at it. Recently though, he had noticed Kanda’s eyes lingering on it more and more often. He had known that the man wanted to ask him about it. Cowardly, he ignored every silent request for understanding because he didn’t want Kanda to know about that part of him and consequently, see him differently. That was only one example from a myriad of other things he refrained from saying because he feared Kanda’s reaction. There was no way he could refute Kanda’s accusation of a lack of trust, and he couldn’t ignore it either. Now that he was aware of the situation, could he bear to put himself on the line and trust that Kanda would accept him? He wanted that from the start, but had hesitated to commit himself to the level of intimacy that would require. Really, there was no choice to debate. At least, not if he wanted to maintain his friendship with Kanda. He found that for the first time in his life since Mana’s death, he was willing to make himself vulnerable.

“I’m sorry I’ve kept things from you, Kanda. I didn’t mean for it to seem like it was because I thought you were untrustworthy or anything. I just…I’ve been a coward.” Kanda wanted to know that Allen trusted him. So he’d trust Kanda with his biggest secret and see how he reacted. If he ended up regretting this later, at least he would know that he’d tried.

With a bravado that shocked himself, and without preamble, he locked his eyes onto Kanda’s and asked, “Why did you kiss me?”

Kanda looked away and shoved his hands into his jacket pockets, a red tinge spreading across his cheeks and the tips of his ears. “Can you just…pretend it never happened?” he asked, uncharacteristically subdued. Allen’s apology appeared to have taken the fight out of him.

“I couldn’t forget it if I tried,” Allen said fervently.

“Well I don’t know why I did it.”

“When one person kisses another, it generally means that they like them,” Allen relinquished his grip on the swing chain and stood up. Feeling as though he’d entered the eye of a hurricane, he was aware of nothing except for Kanda and the heavy thumping of his heart. “Do you like me?”

* * *

 

Kanda knew he had been blushing before, but now he felt like his face was on fire. That question had been circling his head for days, and having Allen actually voice it made everything so much more real. Adding to his anxiety, he couldn’t tell what Allen was thinking. He shook his head vehemently.

“I—no, I told you I don’t know why I did that. It must have been an adrenalin rush that caused it, because I wouldn’t have done it otherwise!” The words spilled out of him in a near panic, but even as he said it, it sounded like he was just trying to make excuses. Allen was slowly approaching him and he wanted to escape, to get away from what he felt whenever he was near the white haired man, yet his feet were rooted to the spot as though his own body was forcing him to confront what his mind insisted he should run from.

“Oh. That’s a shame. Because I like you, Kanda. A lot, actually,” Allen said decisively and tilted his head as he scrutinized Kanda for any sign of a reaction.

Kanda was having trouble processing what he’d just heard. “As in, the dating kind of like?” he croaked when he’d mostly found his voice again.

Allen smiled faintly, though he still looked tense and wary as he affirmed, “Yes, that kind of like.”

Ridiculously, Kanda’s first comprehensible thought was that this revelation explained why Allen hadn’t freaked out when he had kissed him. Then came the sensation of stupefied disbelief that Allen had admitted to liking him of all people. Why would such a kind and gentle person be attracted to him, with his extremely unsociable and gruff personality? That was a joke, right?

Like before in the bar, Allen’s complete attention was devoted to Kanda as he waited for the dark haired man to sort out his thoughts. When Allen looked at him like that, there was no room for him to doubt the truth of Allen’s confession. With a sudden clarity, Kanda acknowledged that he liked feeling as though Allen cared about him in such a way. No matter what he’d told himself, he’d kissed his friend for no reason other than because it was what he’d wanted to do. He may have rushed into it without thinking, but the desire to do so had been growing all along. Allen brought out a part of him that he hadn’t even known existed. Incredibly, he liked himself when he was with Allen, and just as importantly, he liked Allen.

The surge of emotion that accompanied this realization prompted him to say bluntly, “I think I like you too.”

A split second after the words escaped his lips, the blush that had been fading from his face returned in full force. Really? That was how he’d chosen to say it? He sounded like an idiot! Though the moment he saw his friend’s reaction to his fumbled declaration, his worries faded to obscurity. Allen’s breath hitched and the wariness that had stiffened his posture slipped away. A slow incredulous smile transformed his visage so completely that Kanda couldn’t think of him as anything other than the most beautiful person he’d ever seen.

“I’m happy to hear it,” Allen said sincerely, “because if I like you and you like me, then I’d like to maybe try dating. What do you think?”

Kanda swore to himself that he had never blushed so much in his life. But if it meant that he’d be able to see Allen like this, then he didn’t have to think twice about his answer. “It’s okay with me,” he mumbled, ducking his head down in a vain attempt to hide his burning face.

“Well, now that that’s decided,” Allen trailed off, and stepped closer to lightly grasp both of Kanda’s limp hands. Surprised, Kanda looked up and subsequently allowed Allen the angle he sought to place a chaste kiss on Kanda’s lips. “We should probably head back to the bar. It would be rude to make Komui wait too long for your answer.”

Not allowing himself to gape at Allen’s sudden show of affection, he grumbled his agreement. Allen offered a quick smile before releasing Kanda and stepping back. He led the way out of the park and Kanda followed obediently. When he was sure Allen wasn’t looking, he couldn’t resist bringing his fingers up to his lips to quell the tingling sensation Allen had caused.

He felt as though everything around him had gained a fuzzy and dreamlike quality. Had all of that really just happened? It was over so fast, he half thought that maybe he’d just imagined it. Was that all there was to it? He didn’t feel all that different. How could Allen be so nonchalant about this? Walking slightly behind Allen, he stared at the slight profile of his boyfriend (that title was definitely going to take some getting used to) and felt his nerves start to bring him down from whatever cloud of happiness he was on.

Allen looked the same as ever. His strides were strong and assured, conveying a confidence that Kanda didn’t feel at all. He had never dated anyone before. What if he was horrible at it? He told himself that it was a stupid thing to worry about, but he was finding it hard to believe that. What would happen if he really was bad at it and Allen lost interest in him? Would they go back to being just friends?

Their first heated kiss replayed itself in his mind and he thought that no, no matter what happened from this point forward, it had affected him too strongly for him to just move on and forget it had happened. The thought was mildly embarrassing, but exciting at the same time. He would have to do his best to make sure Allen never wanted to look away from him. Because as unsure as he was about how to act, he was certain that Allen meant more to him than anyone—perhaps even Alma—ever had.

The focus of his thoughts shot him a discreet glance only to stumble and blush when he realized that Kanda had caught him looking. He offered an embarrassed laugh before looking away again. That small tableau was all that it took for the coiled knot in Kanda’s chest to loosen up a bit at this little sign that Allen wasn’t nearly as calm as he had pretended to be. He actually found Allen’s shyness a bit cute compared to his normal composure. Maybe he was just over thinking things. In fact, he knew he was. From now on, he was just going to go with his gut and take things as they came. It was how he dealt with everything else, so why should this be any different?

He quickened his pace to walk along side Allen and let their shoulders brush gently. Taking heart from the spark that the contact provided, Kanda mustered a grin when Allen sent another quick glance his way. He didn’t fool himself into thinking things would be easy, but at least they would work it out together. With that thought in mind, he figured they might as well start things off right.

“I’m sorry for…the last couple of days,” Kanda forced out, not wanting to dwell on how he’d been behaving.

Allen shook his head slightly. “No, like I said, I should be the one to apologize. It was my fault that you felt the way you did.”

Adamantly, Kanda replied, “I could have just said something right away instead of avoiding you though.”

Allen shrugged and offered lightly, “Since when have either of us been good at that?”

He had a point with that, Kanda had to admit. Somehow, it didn’t seem to bother him very much right now.

Allen nudged his shoulder to get his attention. “I say we put it behind us, and just call everything even. Deal?”

“Deal,” Kanda agreed. Now that he could get that off of his mind, there was nothing reigning in his eagerness at the fact that he and Allen were now connected in a way that he’d never experienced before. He had a claim to the silver eyed young man that no one else could replicate, and it gave him a certain pride that made him stand taller than before.

///\\\\\///\\\\\///\\\\\///\\\\\///\\\\\///\\\\\///\\\\\

Upon reaching The Black Order, Kanda’s new awareness of Allen made him instantly alert to the too-close scrutiny they were receiving from the bartender Tyki. Allen called out to get Komui’s attention, as the owner was sitting at the bar in conversation with his sister, remaining somehow oblivious of Tyki. Feeling the need to protect the newly-created bond between the two of them, Kanda reached out to lace his fingers with Allen’s and sent what he hoped was a sufficiently intimidating look in Tyki’s direction. The man’s eyebrows shot up in surprise before he turned away to speak to a customer. Satisfied with the reaction, Kanda returned his attention towards the approaching Komui.  
What was with that shit eating grin on Lenalee’s face, he wondered as he caught sight of the woman’s expression when she zeroed in on their clasped hands. He didn’t have time to ponder it further, because Allen had turned to look at their hands then at him questioningly, the (quickly becoming familiar) red hue spreading on his pale cheeks. Kanda tried to pass if off and be nonchalant.

“What? This is normal for a couple, isn’t it?”

Allen gave a pleasured smile. “Well yeah, but somehow I wouldn’t have expected it of you.” He squeezed Kanda’s hand as if to reassure him that he meant nothing bad by that statement and Kanda felt like he couldn’t possibly have been luckier in meeting Allen Walker.

* * *

 

Allen sat on the couch in his apartment, impatiently tapping his foot as he glanced at the time. He huffed. If Kanda didn’t get here fast, he was going to start eating without him! He’d been planning this dinner for a week now, and he would hate for it to get cold before they had a chance to enjoy it fresh. Allen had specifically asked Komui for permission to leave work early so that he had time to prepare before Kanda arrived. For his part, Kanda had no idea that Allen was planning anything special. Though given how perceptive Kanda was, he was probably at least suspicious.

It seemed a little funny to him that despite the fact that they were dating now, hardly anything had changed between them. They still argued, still met up for lunch whenever their schedules would allow it, argued some more, and still had their weekly movie night. What was different now were the little things. For one thing, more often than not their arguments were usually settled with a kiss.

Allen had presumed that they would take things slowly since Kanda had never dated anyone before, let alone another guy. It had quickly become apparent that once Kanda made up his mind to pursue something, he didn’t kid around. It seemed silly now to have expected otherwise. When their kisses led to heated make out sessions that started to get too intense, it was always Allen who pulled away first. He was glad to know that the physical attraction was definitely mutual, but he wasn’t sure he was ready to go all of the way quite yet. Despite his usual lack of patience in other matters, Kanda never pushed him further than he was comfortable with.

The physical aspect was only a small part of their relationship, though. It satisfied him immensely knowing that when Kanda was angry because of a stressful day at the bar, Allen had learned how to calm him down and help him feel better. Likewise, if Allen’s insecurities had gotten a hold of him again, Kanda always knew and would find little ways to raise his spirits.

If it was possible, Allen loved Kanda more and more every day. Yet despite that, he hadn’t quite been able to actually tell the man that. He knew it was already implied, but to him, actually speaking the phrase ‘I love you’ would bind him irrevocably to Kanda and force him to relinquish the last mental barrier that protected him from any harm. As much as he loved Kanda, he found himself bereft of the courage he needed to make that step. But it wasn’t as though Kanda had actually said it either, he pointed out to himself. Though knowing him, the Japanese man probably hadn’t even thought it was something necessary. Kanda spoke much more through his actions than his words.

Peripherally, he heard the clip-clock of footsteps approaching his door and he leapt up to open it before his visitor even got a chance to knock. He was met by Kanda’s surprised face and upraised hand, frozen in mid-knock. The older man chuckled.

“Someone’s a little overeager, Moyashi.”

Allen suppressed a blush with a scowl. “Of course I’m eager, you lout! I’m starving!”

Kanda removed his jacket to hang it on the coat rack. “Komui asked me to help bring the new shipment in before I left. Anyway, if you were really that hungry, you could have started without me.”

Allen pouted. “But it’s lonely eating all alone. Besides, I was hoping to surprise you with what I made.”

Kanda tossed his work bag on the couch and sniffed the air curiously. Allen watched as the concentration on the man’s face melded into pleasured surprise. “Soba?” he asked, his voice betraying his excitement. Allen did his best to keep his smirk hidden. Kanda may tease him about his love for mitarashi dango, but it seemed hypocritical of him considering his devotion to any type of soba noodles.

“Uh-huh,” Allen chirped, as he went to grab two bowls from the cabinet. “I think I finally succeeded in getting it to taste like the soba from that restaurant you like so much.” He served them each a bowl and they sat down at the table. Allen watched anxiously as Kanda picked up his chopsticks and tried his first bite.

“So?” Allen prompted when Kanda didn’t say anything right away.

“It’s pretty good,” he replied, already taking a second bite. Coming from Kanda, that was practically a standing ovation, Allen thought as he began to eat his own food. He wouldn’t call himself particularly skilled in the culinary arts, but given Kanda’s fondness for soba, it was something that he had been determined to get right. It had taken several late nights and way too much soba to get it right, but Allen’s satisfaction with himself made this victory worth every moment.

Later when they had finished their dinner and sat snuggled together on the couch, Kanda stated, “You know, now that you can make a halfway decent soba, I’m going to expect it for dinner every time I come over.”

Allen lifted his head off of Kanda’s shoulder and gave him an indignant look. “No way! Do you have any idea how long making everything from scratch takes? I’d never be able to leave the kitchen!” Just the thought of it made him tired! Kanda shrugged, a teasing grin stretching across his face.

“So drop out of school, quit your job and I’ll support you while you cook a never ending supply of soba.”

Allen rolled his eyes. “Even if that wasn’t the most ridiculous idea in the world, I don’t think I could take eating it every single day. You may be okay with your mouth constantly tasting like soba, but I’m not. You know, the whole ‘variety is the spice of life’, and all that.”

“I don’t think it would be so bad,” Kanda said disagreeably as he pulled Allen close and brought their lips together. Disbelievingly, Allen wondered if the thought of his mouth tasting like soba had seriously turned his boyfriend on. Quickly deciding that it didn’t matter, Allen threw himself wholeheartedly into the kiss.

It began syrupy sweet and slow, but as they drew closer to each other, it simply wasn’t enough. Hands explored, drifting over smooth skin, and forever pulling in an attempt to reach the high that they both sought. Every time they kissed like this, Allen felt like he was sinking into a warm dark place where Kanda was the only person who could possibly exist alongside him. It was such a wonderful feeling that he felt like he never wanted to stop.

Kanda’s mouth paused its assault on his mouth and began nibbling at his neckline. Allen gasped when Kanda suddenly bit down harder and craned his neck so that the man could have better access. He found himself being pushed down to the couch as Kanda crawled on top of him, still tasting every bit of skin he could reach from Allen’s jaw to the bit of shoulder that was visible from his collar. Allen’s arms enveloped Kanda, his fists tightly clenching the back of his shirt as though he sought to anchor himself to the other man. A sudden bite that was harsher than he was used to startled him into crying out. Kanda paused.

“I hurt you?” the man asked breathlessly.

“Just a bit, don’t worry about it,” Allen panted reassuringly, impatiently wanting Kanda to start moving again already. But Kanda had other ideas, and he brought his mouth back to the area he’d bitten and kissed it gently in a mute apology. This little gesture, coupled with the fondly reverent look on Kanda’s face as he pulled away from Allen’s neck to reengage his lips, had his heart set to explode from the love he felt for this man. The powerful wave of emotion swept through him and scoured away the last vestiges of his hesitation. He loved Kanda with everything in his heart and more, so what was the point in keeping that admission to himself any longer when Kanda was as serious about his feelings as Allen was? He wanted no more barriers between them. Making up his mind, Allen shifted to try and get Kanda’s attention.

“Kan…Kanda, I—”

The rest of his sentence died in his throat. He’d bent his knee up in order to stop his leg from sliding off of the couch, but the movement brought Kanda’s body close enough that he could feel the other’s obvious arousal against his own. The contact seemed to intensify Kanda’s lust and Allen found his lips being devoured greedily once more. Getting swept away by the wave of lust himself, Allen pulled Kanda as tightly against him as he could as they explored each other’s mouths with a fervent passion.

So lost were they in the moment that their distracted senses failed to hear the ominous sound of a door opening and closing. The sound of someone clearing their throat loudly and pointedly, however, was less easy to ignore.

“Ehem.”

Allen jerked in shock, nearly swallowing his tongue, it recoiled so violently. He registered the new arrival from the corner of his eye and reacted without thinking.

“Gah!” he yelped, shoving an equally stunned Kanda off of him and curling his arms around himself as though they would shield himself from his guardian’s eyes.

Looking much the same as he had the last time Allen had seen him, Cross Marian stood in the doorway surveying the scene. His long red hair framed his tired face, yet other than his weary countenance, there was not a single aspect of his appearance that was anything less than impeccable. Even though he was relieved to finally see Cross after the months and months that he’d been gone, the man possibly couldn’t have worse timing, Allen thought despairingly. He debated how difficult it would be to escape to the bathroom so that he could drown himself in the sink, because Cross was never going to let him live this down.

“What the hell, Moyashi?” Kanda exclaimed as he picked himself up off of the floor where he had landed after Allen pushed him away. “And who the fuck are you?” he demanded of Cross, taking a protective stance in front of Allen.

Cross gave Kanda an unimpressed glance. “Well you’re certainly a feisty one.” He turned his attention toward Allen, ignoring Kanda for the moment. “I expected to come back to you fretting over your studies, not sucking face with some pretty boy.”

Kanda growled at the insult, but must have figured out who Cross was by his statement, so he didn’t react in what Allen could only guess was an attempt to stay on the good side of the only person Allen could call family.

“You could have knocked,” Allen said feebly, too embarrassed to make any sort of comeback. He knew Cross was needling him like this on purpose, so anything he said would be turned against him. The man had the rather unfortunate tendency to enjoy flustering his charge.

“In case you’ve forgotten, I live here too,” Cross replied, holding up his key.

“Right, um…” Hoping to dispel the awkwardness, Allen figured that he should probably make some formal introductions. He turned to Kanda, who was visibly chafing at Cross’s haughtiness. “Kanda, this is my guardian Cross Marian. Cross, this is my boyfriend, Kanda.”

Cross tossed his travel bags to the floor and kicked off his shoes. “I must say, he’s girlier than your last girlfriend.”

Allen’s heart sank as what little hope he had for Kanda and Cross to get along with each other suffered a sudden painful death.

“You want to try saying that to my face?” Kanda asked dangerously as Cross made himself at home.

“I don’t particularly care for repeating myself.” Cross sighed as he headed into the kitchen to open the fridge.

Allen laid a hand on Kanda’s arm in a placating gesture. “Don’t let him get to you. He’s always like this.”

No sooner had he spoken, Cross complained loudly, “There isn’t any wine in the fridge!”

“Of course there isn’t! Why would there be? I don’t drink the stuff!” Allen cried in exasperation.

“You wouldn’t mind too much if I ran him through with Mugen a few times, would you?” Kanda inquired.

“Actually I would,” Allen sighed. “Even he’s got his good points. Honestly, he’s not really as bad as he makes himself out to be.”

Kanda’s eye twitched as he watched the man find the leftover soba and began to serve some for himself. “Are you sure? Not even if I only stabbed him a little?”

“I’m sure.” Addressing Cross now, Allen asked, “Where have you been all this time? And why were you gone for so long?”

The man shrugged. “Oh, here and there. Finishing things up took a bit longer than I anticipated. Now, I’m hungry and tired, so I’d appreciate it if you could leave off on the interrogation and go back to making out with grumpy over there or something.” He made a dismissive shooing motion with his hand as he carried his dinner to his room at the end of the hall and closed the door firmly behind him.

“Whatever you say, Master,” Allen mumbled sarcastically under his breath. He gave Kanda a miserable look then buried his head in the taller man’s shoulder. “I’m never going to have another moment of peace while he’s around,” he said, knowing he was whining and feeling totally justified in it.

“You told me before that he travels a lot, right? Maybe he’ll start traveling again,” Kanda suggested hopefully. Allen sighed again.

“I hope.” He looked up regretfully and said, “Maybe we should end things early tonight. Cross kind of killed the mood and I don’t particularly want to continue our date with him looming around.”

Kanda was scowling, but Allen could tell that he agreed. “He really has some lousy timing,” he grumbled, unknowingly echoing Allen’s own earlier thoughts.

“I can’t argue with that.”

Allen accompanied Kanda to the door and followed him through, reluctant to let the man out of his sight just yet. Kanda looked back at the closed apartment door as he put his jacket back on.

“You know,” he said thoughtfully, “now I have even more incentive to save up enough to move out. That way, you can be the one to come to me if you ever want some peace and quiet.”

Allen smiled warmly. “You’d better do it fast then, before Cross drives me crazy,” he said, jabbing a finger into Kanda’s chest. Kanda made a face between a smirk and a smile as he gave him a quick peck before beginning to head down the stairs. He’d only made it one step down before he halted with a small ‘oh’. He half turned to look back at Allen.

“Hey, earlier, when we were…distracted, what was it that you were trying to say? I didn’t quite hear you." Admitting this and referenceing their make-out session made Kanda blush like he hadn’t since the day they had first started dating. Allen waved his hand dismissively, his nerve failing him now that Kanda was watching him expectantly.

“Oh, nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

Kanda made a dissatisfied noise under his breath, but turned around to start leaving anyway. A brief but intense internal struggle erupted in Allen’s mind as it rebelled at the prospect of once again letting his feelings go unheard. Frustration with himself gave him the little extra shove he needed. Allen plucked up his courage and asked in a would-be casual tone, “You know that I love you, right?”

Kanda turned toward Allen fully this time, his initial surprise melting away to be replaced with a tenderness that he rarely showed. “I do,” he replied, not questioning why the white haired man had chosen this moment to finally say it. “And I love you too. I probably always have.”

The way Kanda stated it so bluntly and without hesitation caused warmth to rush through him, making his fingers and toes tingle. “The same goes for me twice over,” Allen said, with a faint chuckle at being unable to resist trying to one-up Kanda even at a moment like this.

“A fair warning, though,” Kanda said with a mischievous glint in his eye, “my previous statement will become void if you don’t make me more of that soba at least once a week.”

Allen was startled into a full blown laugh. “Shut up, Bakanda. You’re ruining the moment! Don’t you know that this is the part where you’re supposed to kiss me?” He stepped closer to his boyfriend, who because of his position on the stairs, actually had to look up slightly. Allen found that he enjoyed the role reversal, as he reached out his hands to bring Kanda’s face to his own for a change.

“Is that so? Says who?” Kanda asked as the distance between their faces decreased.

“Says me,” Allen breathed as their lips brushed.

The kiss that followed wasn’t necessarily their most passionate. Nor was it their sweetest. Instead, it was full of promise and love, and the certainty that they would always be at each other’s sides. A younger Allen would have thought it was inconceivable that he could feel this fulfilled from one simple kiss. However, he had graduated from his childish imaginings and didn’t think twice about the fact that, instead of them enacting a scene fitting the most romantic film, with candle-lit dinners and sweet nothings whispered underneath silken sheets, Kanda would return to his own home and Allen would step back inside his. Yet despite how unromantic it seemed, neither would have it any other way.

Their love was real, and they had all of the time in the world to explore it.

Together.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the last entry I currently have planned for the Yullen pairing in this series, but I am working on a Tyki/Lavi story, which I will (hopefully) finish sooner rather than later...In the meantime, let me know what you thought!


End file.
